Michael Adkins

April 24, 2007

Morgan-Curtis TTh 9:40-11:05

 

“Letter from Sir Robert Dudley”

 

        Friends, teachers, students, lend me your ears.

 

I am Henry VIII I am, Henry VIII I am I am.  Henry VIII

 

I am not really.  Good morning friends, teachers, and

 

students.  Yo, yo, yo, it is I the man who spent a good deal

 

of time with Queen Elizabeth I of England during a

 

reasonable part of the 16th century.  My name is

 

Sir Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester.  I am ready to party

 

like a rockstar.  Not!  I am not that much interested in

 

rock music.  I prefer the sound of royal music instead.

 

I know how to party with that royal music.  I spent many

 

moments indeed dancing with Elizabeth to that great sound

 

of royal music. 

 

        Many people have said to me over the years that there

 

was absolutely, positively no way at all possible that I

 

could have spent a good deal of time with Elizabeth

          

in England.  What do those people know?  How could they

 

say such a blasted thing as that?  They weren’t there in

 

16th century England like I was.  Those human beings

 

weren’t even there at all.  Since they weren’t there, they

 

cannot tell me that I did not spend a good deal of time with

 

Elizabeth, with the queen.  Some people might refer to

 

Elizabeth as queenie.  Listen up, I tell you there is only one

 

person who has ever graced the face of this earth who could

 

truly bestow the name queenie directly to Elizabeth.  That

 

person was of course yours truly, Robert Dudley. 

 

Listen friends, teachers, and students, I assure you I

 

spent countless hours with the lady named Elizabeth.  We

 

talked many days and nights about many different subjects

 

such as about England, literature, mathematics, astronomy,

 

astrology, and yes even about sex, scandals, and gossip.

 

Talk about sex, scandals, and gossip did not start with the

 

20th or 21st centuries like many of you students may think

 

or even believe.  No sir!!  This kind of talk was around in

 

England in the 16th century and has in fact been around for

 

much longer even before that.  I have received many forms

 

of correspondence and letters and e-mails over the years

 

about Elizabeth and myself being told that her and I

 

had been married to each other.  This has been the most

 

completely fabricated rumor in all of history.  I never had

 

marriage relations with that woman.  Elizabeth and myself

 

were quite close.  We were good friends.  I believe many of

 

you in today’s tone of lingo may have referred to us as

 

being friends with benefits.  Elizabeth and myself were not

 

ever married to each other.  Not ever!  Not ever!!  I did

 

want to marry that beautiful display of intricate beauty, and

 

at one point of time when I was twenty or so I thought we

 

were really going to go through with getting married,

 

getting hitched.  However, Elizabeth is such a bit I mean

 

she is of such wit that she decided at the age of eight that

 

she was not ever going to marry anyone under any

 

circumstances not even when being in love with a stripper

 

I mean being in love with another person.  Excuse me,

 

I do not know where the word stripper came from.  Oh my!

 

She told me one night that she loved me.  I told her that I

 

was in love with her that night as well.  At that point, she

 

smiled at me, and I really thought that we were just days if

 

not hours away from marriage.  Of course, the next day she

 

told me that Robert Dudley is someone she would not ever

 

marry.  If you asked me, I think she talked to Wallsingham

 

just a wee little bit too much about the topic of marriage. 

 

She just wouldn’t marry me.  That Wallingsham is such a

 

ham.  I mean he probably has a wall full of hams.  At least,

 

I think he might have once had a wall full of hams.  His

 

talk had the ability to put walls up making people make

 

certain decisions such as the decision to not marry a

 

particular individual.  I think maybe someone ought to have

 

knocked him down a flight of stairs.  Yes, it was I who

 

knocked my wife Amy down a flight of stairs.  I did it

 

because I wanted to marry Elizabeth.  Amy was an

 

awesome lady, but there was no lady in the world to me

 

that could compare to Elizabeth.  Elizabeth was like no

 

other woman of the 16th century.  There has never been

 

another woman like her in existence anywhere ever.  The

 

powerful women of the United States of America just

 

do not do just when compared to that lady named

 

Elizabeth.

 

        Oh, I am sorry.  I seem to have just admitted in this

 

letter that I was the one responsible for the death of Amy.

 

Now, I have to be quite Robert I mean quite frank with all

 

of you friends, teachers, and students.  Earlier, I had

 

mentioned that I had received some e-mails.  The truth is

 

I have not ever actually received an e-mail.  I honestly

 

still do not know what e-mail is.  If I heard the term e-mail

 

back in 16th century England, I would have thought that it

 

meant I was getting mail from Elizabeth.  I would have

 

thought e-mail was equivalent to the words Elizabeth mail.

 

        To whom this letter concerns, I want you to know that

 

I was not ever married to Elizabeth.  I, Robert Dudley do

 

hereby acclaim the truth that I was not involved in any

 

marriage arrangement with Queen Elizabeth I of England.

 

I spit the truth in this statement.  What, you think I am

 

lying?  Listen, Robert Dudley is no dud.  Robert Dudley

 

never lies.  Robert Dudley is an honest man;

 

Robert Dudley, that’s me!!  I submit this letter for the

 

approval of the Midday Society.  I mean Midnight Society.

 

Ah shoot, I just submit this letter period.  I do not submit

 

it to any society at all; I am just simply submitting it. 

 

Gosh, look at the time.  It is now 3 p.m. for it is my time to

 

head back to my home in the underground of England. 

 

Farewell friends, students, and teachers.  Farewell!

  

Works Cited:

 

Thomas, Heather. “Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester” 

        (1998-2007). 26 Mar. 2007.

        http://www.elizabethi.org/us/queensmen/robertdudley. htm

 

Walker, Emery. “Britannia Biographies: Robert Dudley,  

        Earl of Leicester” (2001). 26 Mar. 2007.

        http://www.britannia.com/bios/lords/leicesterrd.html

 

“Robert Dudley”

        (2007). 26 Mar. 2007.

        http://www.elizabethan-era.org.uk/robert-dudley.htm

                  

Research Machines plc.  “Leicester, Robert Dudley, Earl of

        Leicester” (2007). 26 Mar. 2007.         http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutc        hinson/m0001960.html

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