Michael Adkins

April 24, 2007

Morgan-Curtis TTh 9:40-11:05


“Letter from Sir Robert Dudley”


        Friends, teachers, students, lend me your ears.


I am Henry VIII I am, Henry VIII I am I am.  Henry VIII


I am not really.  Good morning friends, teachers, and


students.  Yo, yo, yo, it is I the man who spent a good deal


of time with Queen Elizabeth I of England during a


reasonable part of the 16th century.  My name is


Sir Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester.  I am ready to party


like a rockstar.  Not!  I am not that much interested in


rock music.  I prefer the sound of royal music instead.


I know how to party with that royal music.  I spent many


moments indeed dancing with Elizabeth to that great sound


of royal music. 


        Many people have said to me over the years that there


was absolutely, positively no way at all possible that I


could have spent a good deal of time with Elizabeth


in England.  What do those people know?  How could they


say such a blasted thing as that?  They weren’t there in


16th century England like I was.  Those human beings


weren’t even there at all.  Since they weren’t there, they


cannot tell me that I did not spend a good deal of time with


Elizabeth, with the queen.  Some people might refer to


Elizabeth as queenie.  Listen up, I tell you there is only one


person who has ever graced the face of this earth who could


truly bestow the name queenie directly to Elizabeth.  That


person was of course yours truly, Robert Dudley. 


Listen friends, teachers, and students, I assure you I


spent countless hours with the lady named Elizabeth.  We


talked many days and nights about many different subjects


such as about England, literature, mathematics, astronomy,


astrology, and yes even about sex, scandals, and gossip.


Talk about sex, scandals, and gossip did not start with the


20th or 21st centuries like many of you students may think


or even believe.  No sir!!  This kind of talk was around in


England in the 16th century and has in fact been around for


much longer even before that.  I have received many forms


of correspondence and letters and e-mails over the years


about Elizabeth and myself being told that her and I


had been married to each other.  This has been the most


completely fabricated rumor in all of history.  I never had


marriage relations with that woman.  Elizabeth and myself


were quite close.  We were good friends.  I believe many of


you in today’s tone of lingo may have referred to us as


being friends with benefits.  Elizabeth and myself were not


ever married to each other.  Not ever!  Not ever!!  I did


want to marry that beautiful display of intricate beauty, and


at one point of time when I was twenty or so I thought we


were really going to go through with getting married,


getting hitched.  However, Elizabeth is such a bit I mean


she is of such wit that she decided at the age of eight that


she was not ever going to marry anyone under any


circumstances not even when being in love with a stripper


I mean being in love with another person.  Excuse me,


I do not know where the word stripper came from.  Oh my!


She told me one night that she loved me.  I told her that I


was in love with her that night as well.  At that point, she


smiled at me, and I really thought that we were just days if


not hours away from marriage.  Of course, the next day she


told me that Robert Dudley is someone she would not ever


marry.  If you asked me, I think she talked to Wallsingham


just a wee little bit too much about the topic of marriage. 


She just wouldn’t marry me.  That Wallingsham is such a


ham.  I mean he probably has a wall full of hams.  At least,


I think he might have once had a wall full of hams.  His


talk had the ability to put walls up making people make


certain decisions such as the decision to not marry a


particular individual.  I think maybe someone ought to have


knocked him down a flight of stairs.  Yes, it was I who


knocked my wife Amy down a flight of stairs.  I did it


because I wanted to marry Elizabeth.  Amy was an


awesome lady, but there was no lady in the world to me


that could compare to Elizabeth.  Elizabeth was like no


other woman of the 16th century.  There has never been


another woman like her in existence anywhere ever.  The


powerful women of the United States of America just


do not do just when compared to that lady named




        Oh, I am sorry.  I seem to have just admitted in this


letter that I was the one responsible for the death of Amy.


Now, I have to be quite Robert I mean quite frank with all


of you friends, teachers, and students.  Earlier, I had


mentioned that I had received some e-mails.  The truth is


I have not ever actually received an e-mail.  I honestly


still do not know what e-mail is.  If I heard the term e-mail


back in 16th century England, I would have thought that it


meant I was getting mail from Elizabeth.  I would have


thought e-mail was equivalent to the words Elizabeth mail.


        To whom this letter concerns, I want you to know that


I was not ever married to Elizabeth.  I, Robert Dudley do


hereby acclaim the truth that I was not involved in any


marriage arrangement with Queen Elizabeth I of England.


I spit the truth in this statement.  What, you think I am


lying?  Listen, Robert Dudley is no dud.  Robert Dudley


never lies.  Robert Dudley is an honest man;


Robert Dudley, that’s me!!  I submit this letter for the


approval of the Midday Society.  I mean Midnight Society.


Ah shoot, I just submit this letter period.  I do not submit


it to any society at all; I am just simply submitting it. 


Gosh, look at the time.  It is now 3 p.m. for it is my time to


head back to my home in the underground of England. 


Farewell friends, students, and teachers.  Farewell!


Works Cited:


Thomas, Heather. “Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester” 

        (1998-2007). 26 Mar. 2007.

        http://www.elizabethi.org/us/queensmen/robertdudley. htm


Walker, Emery. “Britannia Biographies: Robert Dudley,  

        Earl of Leicester” (2001). 26 Mar. 2007.



“Robert Dudley”

        (2007). 26 Mar. 2007.



Research Machines plc.  “Leicester, Robert Dudley, Earl of

        Leicester” (2007). 26 Mar. 2007.         http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutc        hinson/m0001960.html

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