April 24, 2007
Morgan-Curtis TTh 9:40-11:05
“Letter from Sir Robert Dudley”
Friends, teachers, students, lend me your ears.
I am Henry VIII I am, Henry VIII I am I am. Henry VIII
I am not really. Good morning friends, teachers, and
students. Yo, yo, yo, it is I the man who spent a good deal
of time with Queen Elizabeth I of England during a
reasonable part of the 16th century. My name is
Sir Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester. I am ready to party
like a rockstar. Not! I am not that much interested in
rock music. I prefer the sound of royal music instead.
I know how to party with that royal music. I spent many
moments indeed dancing with Elizabeth to that great sound
of royal music.
Many people have said to me over the years that there
was absolutely, positively no way at all possible that I
could have spent a good deal of time with Elizabeth
in England. What do those people know? How could they
say such a blasted thing as that? They weren’t there in
16th century England like I was. Those human beings
weren’t even there at all. Since they weren’t there, they
cannot tell me that I did not spend a good deal of time with
Elizabeth, with the queen. Some people might refer to
Elizabeth as queenie. Listen up, I tell you there is only one
person who has ever graced the face of this earth who could
truly bestow the name queenie directly to Elizabeth. That
person was of course yours truly, Robert Dudley.
Listen friends, teachers, and students, I assure you I
spent countless hours with the lady named Elizabeth. We
talked many days and nights about many different subjects
such as about England, literature, mathematics, astronomy,
astrology, and yes even about sex, scandals, and gossip.
Talk about sex, scandals, and gossip did not start with the
20th or 21st centuries like many of you students may think
or even believe. No sir!! This kind of talk was around in
England in the 16th century and has in fact been around for
much longer even before that. I have received many forms
of correspondence and letters and e-mails over the years
about Elizabeth and myself being told that her and I
had been married to each other. This has been the most
completely fabricated rumor in all of history. I never had
marriage relations with that woman. Elizabeth and myself
were quite close. We were good friends. I believe many of
you in today’s tone of lingo may have referred to us as
being friends with benefits. Elizabeth and myself were not
ever married to each other. Not ever! Not ever!! I did
want to marry that beautiful display of intricate beauty, and
at one point of time when I was twenty or so I thought we
were really going to go through with getting married,
getting hitched. However, Elizabeth is such a bit I mean
she is of such wit that she decided at the age of eight that
she was not ever going to marry anyone under any
circumstances not even when being in love with a stripper
I mean being in love with another person. Excuse me,
I do not know where the word stripper came from. Oh my!
She told me one night that she loved me. I told her that I
was in love with her that night as well. At that point, she
smiled at me, and I really thought that we were just days if
not hours away from marriage. Of course, the next day she
told me that Robert Dudley is someone she would not ever
marry. If you asked me, I think she talked to Wallsingham
just a wee little bit too much about the topic of marriage.
She just wouldn’t marry me. That Wallingsham is such a
ham. I mean he probably has a wall full of hams. At least,
I think he might have once had a wall full of hams. His
talk had the ability to put walls up making people make
certain decisions such as the decision to not marry a
particular individual. I think maybe someone ought to have
knocked him down a flight of stairs. Yes, it was I who
knocked my wife Amy down a flight of stairs. I did it
because I wanted to marry Elizabeth. Amy was an
awesome lady, but there was no lady in the world to me
that could compare to Elizabeth. Elizabeth was like no
other woman of the 16th century. There has never been
another woman like her in existence anywhere ever. The
powerful women of the United States of America just
do not do just when compared to that lady named
Oh, I am sorry. I seem to have just admitted in this
letter that I was the one responsible for the death of Amy.
Now, I have to be quite Robert I mean quite frank with all
of you friends, teachers, and students. Earlier, I had
mentioned that I had received some e-mails. The truth is
I have not ever actually received an e-mail. I honestly
still do not know what e-mail is. If I heard the term e-mail
back in 16th century England, I would have thought that it
meant I was getting mail from Elizabeth. I would have
thought e-mail was equivalent to the words Elizabeth mail.
To whom this letter concerns, I want you to know that
I was not ever married to Elizabeth. I, Robert Dudley do
hereby acclaim the truth that I was not involved in any
marriage arrangement with Queen Elizabeth I of England.
I spit the truth in this statement. What, you think I am
lying? Listen, Robert Dudley is no dud. Robert Dudley
never lies. Robert Dudley is an honest man;
Robert Dudley, that’s me!! I submit this letter for the
approval of the Midday Society. I mean Midnight Society.
Ah shoot, I just submit this letter period. I do not submit
it to any society at all; I am just simply submitting it.
Gosh, look at the time. It is now 3 p.m. for it is my time to
head back to my home in the underground of England.
Farewell friends, students, and teachers. Farewell!
Thomas, Heather. “Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester”
(1998-2007). 26 Mar. 2007.
Walker, Emery. “Britannia Biographies: Robert Dudley,
Earl of Leicester” (2001). 26 Mar. 2007.
(2007). 26 Mar. 2007.
Research Machines plc. “Leicester, Robert Dudley, Earl of
Leicester” (2007). 26 Mar. 2007. http://www.tiscali.co.uk/reference/encyclopaedia/hutc hinson/m0001960.html
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